I have a confession to make …


By / Ashraf Ezzat


At last, I have the courage to do it

To confess … to undress

To reveal my own hidden secrets

Actually, I wouldn’t call them secrets

Because whether they are exposed or not, they will not be of interest to anyone … Nobody at all, and don’t feel sorry for me

For I don’t deserve your pity … nor your sympathy

Thus in that sense, secrets is a bit of an exaggeration

So, after all those years …

After so many wasted days, meaningless hours and dreary minutes …

After my hair turned grey …

After my heart turned black … crimson black, to be specific … don’t ask me why

I believe some of you are smart enough to figure out why my heart still has a crimson tint

But don’t get me wrong …

When I say, I will confess

For, I am not Christian…

Nor a Jew …

Nor Muslim …

I am not Buddhist nor embrace Hinduism …

And, no, I’m not an atheist, even though, I was once one. But that did not last too long … it did not work for me after all …

I am … but a naked man … born naked, … will die naked

I’m one who used to rise with the sun every day radiating with glimpses of flickering vivid dreams & high hopes …

What granted me the royal honor of accompanying my Lord “Re” in his solar barque every morning is that I’m a proud & faithful Pagan …

Not only that, but for the “Neter/God” particles in me long for immortality. Ancient Egypt’s most valued /scared aspiration …

Maybe I’m one of the last followers of ancient Egyptian traditions ( hate the western word “Pagan” — for it had been coined by the deluded early  Jews and Christians and reinforced by the totally clueless Muslims afterwards)

The daily (Resurrection) rise of our creator (Re)  has always awakened inside my heart an overwhelming ocean of unfulfilled lust…

Lust for everything divine; love, compassion, sex, creativity and completion of another cycle of life

Often times I miss the sunrise, actually, a lot lately …. that’s when I feel like I’m a naked man with a broken compass, climbing a mountain I have never seen before

A mountain, so high, I can’t see its top

Still, I aimlessly carry on … with a heavy sense of meaningless …

I am as low and dirty as a fly

And , I am as high and all mighty as God

Who knows maybe God is in the fly and in me …

Maybe I am God … or maybe not

One thing I have no doubt about is that we have created our own false gods

… And in doing so, we have come to perpetrate a lot of deceptive acts & unnecessary wars & genocides

Our organized religions are the product of organized crimes

They were founded to “divide and control” – the notorious & never failing formula for certain & profitable results

…A reliable scheme, but only if you view the masses of poor people as collateral damage in a war of survival … not an easy choice and quite hard for few to subscribe to or decide. ….

Those so-called religions were not revealed by heaven

Up there, you could only find clouds (passing by unwary of us) and travelling flocks of birds

leaving behind a long line of their droppings on our holy shrines and books …

That’s mainly why I detest mediocrity

Back to my confession …

For, if I don’t do it now …

I don’t think, I’ll ever do it again

To begin with… I confess that I am a coward

I never had the guts to make the right choices

Though, most often they were crystal clear to me …

I confess that, every choice I made

Throughout my life had been glaringly wrong

I got into the wrong (brain-washing machine) or so-called college…

I had studied some sciences/dogmas I detest till now

I hung around with the wrong stupid guys

Most of the times, I couldn’t stick around them more than 10 minutes … maybe less

Football and porn … was never my thing

I hate mediocrity …

Never could grow over the feeling of unease around most people … I was often & rapidly distressed … if not aggressive

That’s why … I never had friends … ever

Most of all, never had a girlfriend … something that truly brings me to tears whenever it crosses my mind

… A girl I could have loved to see her smile, loved to call her… talk to her when I’m in trouble … and listen to her when she is distressed .. or even happy.

A girl that I would have loved to feel her naked body next to mine all night long, would have loved to tell her how much I wanted to be a filmmaker … and not a Medical doctor.

A girl I could have shared my teens and dreams with her … in my heart … she was so pretty.

I liked many girls … but growing in a so-called conservative community is like doing time in jail …

Isolated and locked behind bars of steel ( made by ancient traditions) that doesn’t melt or bend in fire. only humans do, chained humans, they fry in man-made hell on earth

So many nights in my dreams, I fantasize that I become like Gauguin and found his paradise in a faraway island and lived in ecstasy of sensual fulfillment with a gorgeous 13-year- old Teha’amana

Pure, free, beautiful and reviving like virgin nature

I admit that, in my home country,  I have no human rights as an adult …and when I was a kid I couldn’t have a cone of ice cream when I craved for it

That’s why I long for my Teha’amana

But currently, all teenage girls view me like some kind of “uncle figure”

Even though we are not related …

I look in the mirror. Can’t disregard the faint wrinkles and eye bags around my eyes …

Maybe it ‘s the mirror. No …. don’t be foolish …. it ‘s the new me, or rather the older me, to be precise.

A couple of years ago … none of that was in the mirror

I hate growing old …

But who says I’m growing old … The fact is I’m growing wiser

But, wiser never meant you can’t think crazy or feel young …

I always hated mediocrity…

Still I was at all times surrounded/stifled by it

I always loved filmmaking, history and literature…

Instead I got myself drowned and sunk to the teeth in a sea of chemistry & anatomy …dreadful stuff

The music of Chopin, Mozart and Bach, always brought some peace of mind to me …and yeah, so did the sweet smile of my mother …

Films by Kurosawa, Coppola and Fellini brought back some serenity & magic to my soul

I had graduated from the wrong college …

I stupidly & insistently banged on the door of the wrong career

Accepted the wrong job & title…

Throughout my twenties and thirties …

I was only a cog in the system’s giant wheel

Trying my best to make a living …yeah, make a living…

I didn’t know what that meant at the time … they say putting food on the table and having a roof over your head, is what making living is all about …

Little did I know then, that I was making money, a lot of it, not for me … But for the system … and the so called oligarchs of society

They had consumed my youthful energy to make their wealth swell … and my dreams shrink

And as my dreams, and actual ambitions shrunk by the day … So did my health, for I ended up with a gastric ulcer like my father, except that my ulcer was carcinogenic …

The whole thing the whole system was sickening and malignant …

I was making a living by doing what I hated most …

Meeting endless deadlines and achieving non-stop targets

Actually, I was not making a living …

I was (in a sort of slow motion) committing suicide…

Yes, I hated mediocrity ….

Then it was time to get married…

I got married to the wrong girl …

She was & still is a decent girl/woman … but

I was not meant to get married at all … especially not to her

But I once again made another terrible decision & and took the wrong turn

Ignoring many signs … that were staring me in the face

I instead had followed my physiological nature and needs … while completely ignoring what’s left of the flickering light in my heart

I hate mediocrity …

Afterwards, it was time to have a child …

A lovely boy …

But he grew up to be somebody whom I hardly know …

or even understand…

Was it generation gap …or was it the gap I had created long before my only child was conceived?

Now me & my wife sleep in separate rooms …

Me & my son live in different worlds …

Oh, how I hate mediocrity …

The only thing that kept me going … that offered a bit of happiness in my life is my mother & and her unconditional love

… Her never-ending sacrifice and support

My late mother, that is … for she died in February, 2018

February 21st, 2018 … at 2.12 pm …

She fell lifeless in front of my eyes

She fell after a few seconds of agonizing struggle with the phantom of death ( otherwise known as massive pulmonary embolism)

She collapsed to the ground … silent … with a strained frown … and a terribly incriminating look in her eyes … as if she held me responsible for her unexpected departure

… After all, I was a Medical Doctor, something she was proud of. She kind of felt secure to have a doctor around her at all times, her own son.

My poor mom believed I was capable of warding off the phantom of death if suddenly, by any means, loomed near her

To tell the truth … my mother was not ready to die

She did not see that phantom coming … nor did I, and for that I should (in a way) be held responsible

My dear mother … loved life (though it was not much of a life …)

But she hated the thought of dying and going to a place she, and all of us, know nothing about

Fear lies in the unknown, like the devil in the details …

The afterlife is so scary … because it is and will always be unknown … except for my ancient Egyptian ancestors. Why wasn’t I born during the time of Ramses the Great?

My dearest mom was not ready to die …

But I was …

I had always wished I was the one who fell to the ground lifeless on February 21st, 2018

Death is always smiling at me in an unnerving way

And I smile back … in the most calming & inviting manner

For I don’t fear the unknown

My whole life has all been about the unknown, the unexpected, the unplanned for and the remotely enjoyable to me

My whole life has been about stupid and needless choices

My life has been lifeless from the very beginning…

And I only got myself to blame …

My whole life has been like a big colored balloon filled with make-believe …everything

Oh, I know how much I hate mediocrity …

I hate how much I know I have become one.

29 thoughts on “I have a confession to make …

  1. My Dear Ashraf:
    You said and confesses what I did not dare to admit .
    The truth of our hidden feelings always lives deep inside and never cease to torment .
    May you find peace and love .
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Mediocricy is one thing but being dishonest/untruthful is another (the two maybe related). I do think my dear Ezzat that you are not mediocre and your truthfullness here and elsewhere is admirable and certainly makes you exceptional. Because the masses following their fake gods are the medioore sheep (in this case following an imaginary shepherd!)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Mazin QUMSIYEH,
      Oh… it has indeed been quite a while since we last connected.
      Your thoughts are (as usual) profound/motivating … and I really appreciate your feedback … keep doing the amazing job that you are doing in Palestine. You are really one of the last heroes of peaceful resistance to the Israeli occupation of your mother land; Palestine
      Thanks for stopping by
      Hope to see you whenever you are in Egypt … (it would be an honor to film an interview with you)

      Like

  3. Deaest Ashraf, good man:
    First of all: CONGRATULATIONS !
    Most people never come to this crisis – this new birth of a new identity of the soul we are carrying around, thoughtlessly most of us, most of the time …
    The important difference is, never to forget: Besides all the Nine Gods of Heliopolis — besides the ONE and ALL, your God is in YOU – in fact: YOU ARE the Creator God of your destiny – and of the Universe around you! — So, come to understand, I hope for you – come to understand that God is Love — and the more Love you learn to give, unconditionally, the more Love will animate the Universe, and thus, the more Love you will find in yourself – in YOUR Universe !!

    That said: There must be quite a large number of humans like we two, and may this comparison encourage you (and maybe others):
    Since my childhood I played the role of an outcast. Since my childhood I knew I was on a PATH to discover and know God. That’s why I chose a study I was not a t all interested in but loathed — and graduated in it: Chemistry being the closest I coud get, as for Physics I was not intellectual enough. I made the whole industrial career as high as you can go – but rather, the career came to me against all odds (I was too honest for human industry) – and discarded me when I was ready for THE PATH. Then I was a consultant out there, then I made one more dipolma as a naturopath, and then my mother asked me: “When will you finally begin to WORK something ???”
    In between I had got married, and sparked four wonderfull little daughters. But when they grew up (did they?), two of them took their children for themselves, and left her husband for another man. — One is a lesbian, one is a bad Demon like her mother who fluttered from one lover to the other (and yet was and still is unhappy and lost inside herself), and all four loath me for not being mediocre.
    Did I not love my wife enough ? — To have a good, solid family, you need a firm couple of parents; and that you achieve only if BOTH WANT it an WORK for it. – So: Dont’ think, the right skin against yours is enough to do the job !!
    But still, I never betrayed THE PATH. Instead I learnt to love everybody and even those who are hurting me. — Yes, it is possible! For, each of us is what he or she is able to make of that maze we call life, but which is but one reality-probability at a time, of seven billion or more, in seven billion or more worlds …..
    And I don’t really regret anything I did in my life (over three quarters of a century) – rather what good oprtunity I missed (because I ignore the bad consequences I might as well have called for — KARMA, you know …

    SO:

    If I was allowed to give you and everybody one advice, it should be — nay, IT IS:
    1)) Love yourself very much — for, who would, if you didn’t ?
    2)) Love your neighbour as much as you are able to — for every human is quite lonesome in this world, struggling in their desperate struggle to love who loves them, and hate those who “dont love them enough” — and:
    3)) Love God the One and Same for ALL – whatever you might call Him — and same for the one sublme Love Force He is emanating — call it Horus, call it Krishna in the past, call it the CHRISTOS today …..
    and then:

    Write on a beautifully clean sheet of paper, in a beautifully colored ink, these words:

    GOD IS LOVE !

    And as soon as you will understand in your heart, that this is true,
    and as soon as you will have learnt in your heart, to forgive to all who hurt you because of their Lack of Knowledge (which is the reason for their lack of Love, really) —
    and as soon as you can sing up to RA again, with a child’s heart and soul, untouched by all evil and smart in the World,

    YOU WILL BE FREE ! ! !

    And you will feel the same urge as myself, to teach “all others” the same “GOOD TIDINGS”:
    Pax hominibus bonae voluntatis !

    That is why it is important that you make your movies !
    Those who are worthy to get the message, will get it

    That is why it is important that I write and produce and publish my bools with their paise of our love for God, and of God’s love for all of us:
    Those who really seek for THE PATH in their hearts, may learn it therein ! ! !

    Your films and my books will burn in the fire of Harmageddon — but the thoughts, the energy, and the message of the LOVE of the Universal Christos we both send out — this true and unselfish Love Energy will never ever die, as you may know by the old laws of Physics about energy being undestructable : DEI GLORIA INTACTA !!

    God loves you, Ashraf — and so do I ! — Martin

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Dear Martin,
      Thank you for opening up and sharing some dark times/secrets of your life.
      Your message and energy of love — I really can’t argue with that
      You are absolutely on a beautiful spiritual path … wish I will join you some day.
      AE

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Living is better than dying …
      That’s is one of the funniest statements I always hear …
      Living is better than dying
      How could you tell …?
      What is your authority/source on that …
      How could you be so (unwittingly) certain (no offence meant, of course)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ashraf, I felt compelled to write again, especially last night, as I saw your phone number and actually considered calling you, as I was concerned for your welfare. How silly, i suppose but i considered it. Anyway, no disrespect to commenter, but I feel sad for this comment, as how can one not appreciate the chances given to us in this life, and the magnificence of our transition, some call death, a word of fear, like this BS virus is trying to instill in us. I look forward to my transition, as I know I have shed many false beliefs and restraints, I look forward to another, much greater existence. We In th United States have a saying, Do not throw in the towel, for me the towel is what Our Creator has given us to navigate this one state of exsistence.I have not much in this life, materialistic, I lost a lot in that respect, which now Iam grateful for.All you have accomplished, yes I am sure at a price, for anytime one goes against the mainstream, especially academia, you will be ostracized. But you did, you sought a truth, against “them” and I bet they did their best to discredit you. They are in error, too egotistical to see that. They care more for material worldly recognition, that is their loss. YOU on the other hand, threw caution to the wind, and stated your truth as you found it, that is pure courage, and it is a warrior spirit, as we know how deep the lies go that have been handed to us. I am sure the true benevolent spiritual beings smiled on your courage, do not forsake that now. Life Is simply a learning growing experience, chances are, we are actually creating our lives ourselves, for this place is an illusion, a dream. KEEP on fighting, never let go of that towel, the very very best in transition is yet to come, and you will be among the truth warriors. Sincerely, Mary

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I am a Dhamma follower but I am open to other ideas too. Perhaps reading the books called Ra: The Law of One might help alleviate some of the depression you are experiencing now. Perhaps books by Edgar Cayce too. Or learn some real Buddhist meditation. Or the original teachings of the Buddha.
    Death will come for sure and then the cycle begins again. How tiresome. What are we to do? Why is this so? Have we not learn our lessons? Perhaps not, not with all the distractions on the journey. Things happen for a reason and in all the journeys through countless lifetimes some lessons stick. Is there a purpose for all these? I bet but perhaps it is hard to grasp without the ability to remember.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Salamaat Dr. Ashraf Ezzat, I’d like to write to you PRIVATELY about your Confession post. Can I do it through this email ? You can then decide if you want to publish/post my response to you. Shukran and in these difficult times please take good care of yourself and your loved ones. Salamaat, Dr. Yusef Saleem Costandi (John Josef Costandi )

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Then perhaps doctor you should look into what you put into your body. Mind and body are intertwined. They say “mind over matter”, I would say “sure, if I am a Buddha” with all the attendant psychic powers to overcome this heavy physical body. Heck, even if you are a 1st stage ariya (noble one) you still can’t overcome physical disability. So good doctor, discard all the drugs you have been taught, instead embark on feeding your guts n your brain as mother nature intends. Dont forget to have fun!

        Like

  5. My friend, it’s as if you have written about my own life. Ostracized for not falling in line with the religious dogma of my family and community, I can count the number of real friends in my life on two fingers. Looking back at 59 years of terrible choices: a college career in a field I had absolutely no interest in pursuing, a life of aimless wandering trying to find some meaning, some hope, for a future that I dread, getting married to the wrong person, finding the right person and losing her, being alone.
    Yet, I cling to hope. I see beauty all around me. I find caring giving souls everywhere I turn, often unlooked for; angels disguised as normal people.
    There is goodness in this world although it may only exist tiny pockets of humanity, outside the lime light, holding on to hope in the shadows.
    I imagine a world unfettered by religious zelots where God, in what ever form he comes to us, brings peace and love and understanding.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Dear Allen,
      From the very beginning …
      I had a feeling …
      We shared a few things …
      But had no idea we shared that much …
      Remind me, next time I’m at “Philae” temple in Aswan
      To light two sticks of incense, for both of us, at the holy of holies of “Aset/Isis” our Holy Mother.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Make the number of friends I can count three. I feel fortunate to have come to know you in some small way.
        I would be honored to be in your thoughts see the temple.

        Liked by 2 people

  6. Sorry , professor.I really am with you about the fake “pharaohs” and the Fake “israelite slaves” in Egypt, and all the fake stories of their Fake “exodus” from the Great Egypt , but, in respect to your recent email, i have to agree in disagreeing with you. GOD Our Father in Heaven Is Real.And “gods” are real too… The only Fake god, is the entity called Lucifer. Best Wishes! Rogério Maciel

    Like

  7. Dear Dr. Ashraf Ezzad,
    It was a great pleasure to read your writing above.
    Beautifully expressed, poem like honest confessions!
    I think, many elderly readers like me, would recognise the course of their own life In your writing,
    especially many unhappy Westerners, who still believe to live in a free and democratic society,

    Thank You!
    Mustafa Sukru Kurkcuoglu
    Dalaman/Turkey

    Not; I am an 80 year old Turkish Civil Engineer who joins and admires your enthusiasm about ancient Egyptian culture. Only envy Western mentality insists to diminish it, not to recognise it fully in its greatness.
    I was better informed about the “unjustly highly praised Greek Culture” by Western Historians. After reading the book of Martin Bernal “Black Athena” many years ego and your ideas I was convinced that the Greek Culture is just a copy or a derivate of old the Egyptian, Mesopotamian and Anatolian cultures.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Dear Mustafa Sukru Kurkcuoglu,
      Thank you for you lovely comment
      Glad that some of my memories have resonated with yours
      As far as Ancient Egyptian history/traditions … you are right, they were somehow overshadowed by the Greco-Roman circle of power. But who can hide the sun … who has the power to conceal the influence of ancient Egyptian mysticism & wisdom. At you leisure consider reading my book “Egypt Knew neither Pharaoh nor Moses “on Amazon/Kindle. It will be published as a paper copy by the end of 2020

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Bravely done, however we all get to this point, and that is the point, to get there and realize what fools we have been, then to continue in a new awakening. Never ever doubt yourself, five steps back are one grand step forward.. congratulations, you have seen and taken personal responsibility, the universe smiles upon you.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Yes I will watch it, thank you for responding, when I wrote that I realized that it was one of those times, where I had no pre thought, just typed with no thoughts entering as what to say next, none at all. So, it was like I was a messenger..hope that makes sense. Please take care, I know this journey is challenging.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. That was powerful. I did not like the ending and hope you’re disappointed you wrote it, ashraf. It was uncalled for.

    Life is for the LIVING; not the dead (so ‘they’ say) and your personal journey is your own personal story-life. Taking the wrong road, or roads, in that journey is no reason to hate yourself. Or anyone else. Life really is like a book. Dull chapters, exciting chapters, characters come; they go and yes, even die. The only sure thing is death! Life is a school, which is why there are always grades, levels & degrees to pass. Births, Graduations, marriages, divorces, death! Do it all over again. And again. As above, so below. ?? How can one be kind to another without kindness to self? Same with love, can anyone “really” love another w/o loving self first? I think the divorce rate speaks to that one clearly enough. Be more kind to yourself! Your mother wouldn’t want to hear that! ending.

    Like

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